The On-And-Off Relationship: 7 Reasons It’s Toxic

An on-and-off relationship, which lasts for years, is a type of relationship in which two people break up and get back together repeatedly. It may take weeks or months before they are reunited. But these cyclical relationships are negative and can harm mental health. People in such a relationship may experience all things negatively. From emotional exhaustion to depression to depression, there is nothing positive about an on-and-off relationship. Read on to find out why an on-and-off relationship is toxic.

What is an on-and-off relationship?

An on-and-off relationship is characterized by a couple breaking up and getting back together as they yearn for the security of familiarity and intimacy. When they get back together, they realize why they broke up in the first place and break up again. This becomes a cycle that many couples find difficult to break. While there’s excitement and predictability in this volatile relationship model, it’s also deeply hurtful and toxic, says relationship coach and psychotherapist Rohini Keshavan Rajeev.

What are the signs of an on-and-off relationship?

Here are some signs to know if you’re in an on-and-off relationship:

• You and your partner will call it quits, but never completely drift apart, and within a few months make amends and get back together, resulting in previous problems in the relationship leading to a breakup all over again.
• Couples in such unhealthy relationships are on edge most of the time. They are sensitive to the comments and actions of others and experience extreme emotional swings especially when they are together.
• The couple feels a deep distrust of each other.
• Ill communication patterns.

Why is an on and off relationship toxic?

According to a 2009 study published in Personal Relationships, people in on-and-off relationships are more likely to report negative aspects of their relationship, such as uncertainty and communication problems. It was also found that such couples were less likely to report positive things like love and understanding from their partner. Here are some reasons why an on-and-off relationship can be toxic:

1. Increased self-doubt

Such cyclical relationships are negative and can harm your mental health. Instability in your most intimate relationship can lead to self-doubt and intense emotional outbursts that can harm mental health.

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2. Emotional exhaustion

Couples in on-and-off relationships experience intense self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, instability, depression, anger and frustration, the expert says. Couples need to engage in open communication to develop deeper understanding and empathy, laying the foundation for a more resilient and satisfying relationship.

Also Read: 7 Signs You’re In A Healthy And Satisfying Relationship

3. Violent fights

Interpersonal fights in an on-and-off relationship are often abusive and violent. Therefore, great care should be taken to identify and avoid extreme patterns.

4. Deep insecurity

One or both partners struggle with commitment issues, which may be the result of unresolved past conflicts in intimate relationships. Commitment avoidance can lead to deep insecurities in partners.

5. Suffering

On-and-off relationships can be volatile and painful for those who experience it. They can create fear in partners about any other relationships in the future.

6. Dysfunctional attachment style

It’s hard to break away from on-and-off relationships because partners are so attached to each other. Rohini says this unhealthy attachment style is toxic.

Also Read: 10 Telltale Signs of Attachment Problems You Should Never Ignore!

7. Increases vulnerability

An on-and-off relationship increases a person’s vulnerability and reduces their ability to fully trust another person. Vulnerability does not mean weakness and is the foundation of authentic connection and intimacy. But vulnerability in such relationships can be abused.

How to break this cycle?

Seeking professional help is crucial to breaking away from an on-and-off relationship. Because such relationships often create a false sense of familiarity and comfort (on-again/off-again), fueling feelings of codependency and mutual insecurity. You should get clarity of thought and at least a friend or family member can consult, if not a therapist. Share openly and honestly with a friend or therapist how this relationship makes you feel. You need to focus on what you really want from an intimate relationship and what needs are being met by your current partner. You can process your feelings (guilt, anger, distrust, fear) and have the courage to accept the toxicity in the relationship.